What Is Radical Acceptance? What It Is, and What It Isn’t
Society seems to be obsessed with being happy.
Everywhere you turn, there’s an advertisement boasting of the happiness and fulfillment a product will bring to your life.
No matter which way you turn, there’s another book to read, or podcast to stream, detailing the secret key to happiness.
What if I told you, the key to happiness is actually much simpler than this?
Many of us walk around this earth carrying the weight of our pain. We may not even realize it’s there until one day, something triggers us and we’re flooded by a tidal wave of emotions.
While we may move past the immediate, pressing pain, the hamster wheel of suffering is still very much laying dormant, waiting for the next chance to arise.
This is where the practice of radical acceptance comes in.
By practicing radical acceptance, we break the cycle of pain and long-term suffering that ultimately leads to unhealthy coping habits.
Pain is unavoidable, but suffering doesn’t have to be.
What Is Radical Acceptance?
Radial acceptance is when we decide to accept the facts of a painful situation head-on, rather than continue to fight with reality. When we choose to separate our emotions from the circumstance, we are able to see it for what it truly is, rather than what we wish it was.
The idea of radical acceptance started back in 1993 as a part of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Patients who suffered from bipolar disorder seemed to feel their emotions quite intensely, and these overwhelming emotions seemed to leave clients stuck in a cycle of suffering.
Since then, psychologists have broadened the scope and determined that radical acceptance is an approach beneficial for everyone.
When we practice radical acceptance, we are consciously choosing to focus on what we can control (our feelings and behaviors), rather than what we can’t (the situation).
By not accepting reality, we remain stuck - as pain leads to suffering, and suffering leads to distress. Those that refuse to acknowledge their pain often remain living a life full of unhealthy coping mechanisms and crushing emotions.
What Radical Acceptance is NOT
One of the biggest misconceptions about radical acceptance is the idea that we are somehow ‘approving’ of our situation.
Of course, that is not the case, why would you approve of a circumstance causing you harm?
Radical acceptance is not approval, but instead, it’s shifting our mindset to wholly and completely accepting the facts of a scenario, no matter how much we don’t like them.
No matter how uncomfortable or unsettling coming to terms with reality is, by doing so, we allow our mind, body, and spirit to understand we cannot change the past.
In addition, radical acceptance is not easy.
For some, it may take an entire lifetime to perfect. For others, it may come easier, however, constant redirection of thoughts is often required to master this practice.
Signs of Lacking Acceptance
It’s completely normal to experience feelings of blame after you’ve been wronged. However, constantly playing negative thoughts on a loop in your head will undoubtedly leave you stuck in your pain.
Nevertheless, lacking acceptance doesn’t always mean you’re angry or full of rage. Often lack of acceptance can manifest in obsessively wishing things were different, or constantly daydreaming of a different outcome.
Here are a few statements that may signal you’ve yet to accept the reality of a painful situation:
“I can’t handle this”
“This is so unfair”
“My life shouldn’t be like this”
“I can’t believe this is happening”
“Why me!?”
“No-one else has to deal with this”
“I wish things were different”
“I’m never going to be happy again”
Reading through these statements we can see how incredibly detrimental these thinking patterns can become when we don’t allow ourselves the freedom that radical acceptance can bring.
How To Practice Radical Acceptance
One of the beneficial aspects of radical acceptance is that there are many ways to practice throughout the day.
Starting in the morning with a cup of coffee, track how you’re feeling by practicing journaling and self-reflection. As the day goes on, watch for any negative thoughts that may creep in, and remind yourself reality cannot be altered. If you feel any intrusive thoughts beginning to arise, view the situation as an observer rather than a participant and remember what you can and cannot change.
At the end of the day, practicing mindfulness techniques such as meditation, and reading books on radical acceptance before bed is a calming, yet effective way to practice relaxation strategies.
Coping statements are also incredibly effective when you feel as though you can’t move forward. The following statements can be said internally no matter where you are, so if you begin to feel any overwhelming emotions rise while on your drive to work, remember a handful of these:
I can only control the present, here and now.
When I fight against my emotions, they only grow larger.
I can’t change the things that have happened in the past.
It is unhelpful for me to fight against what has happened.
This too shall pass.
I can get through difficult emotions, even if it is hard.
It is possible for me to accept what has happened, and still end up happy.
I choose to make a new path for myself.
I don’t have to understand why this happened, but I can accept that it did.
Marsha Linehan’s 10 Steps to Radical Acceptance
Marsha Linehan, the founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy curated a list of 10 steps that will ultimately guide you to true, radical acceptance of any scenario.
Observe: Analyze whether or not you are fighting with reality.
Reality: Remind yourself that what happened, happened. There is no way to change the past.
Reason: Remind yourself that even if you may not see it now, hopefully one day soon you may come to understand the cause.
Practice: Practice radical acceptance with your entire self (mind, body, and spirit) by practicing approaches that target all three. (For example: meditation, self-talk, relaxation techniques).
List: Write out all of the things you would do if you were to come to terms with reality. Would you finally go out with friends? Would you be motivated to learn a new hobby?
Imagine: Close your eyes and imagine what you would do if you accepted what seems virtually unacceptable.
Attend: Notice your body’s sensations and reactions as you think about acceptance.
Allow: Allow unhappy or uncomfortable feelings to arise within you. Don’t ignore the grief, sadness, or loneliness. Sit with it for a while, then let it pass.
Acknowledge: Acknowledge that there is so much more life worth living, even if you’re in pain.
Pros and Cons: If you find yourself resisting acceptance, write out the pros and cons of the particular scenario.
Pain Is Unavoidable, but Suffering Doesn’t Have To Be
There is a reason acceptance is identified as a stage of grief. When we begin to accept our situation for what it is, we give ourselves a gift of freedom. Freedom from pain, wishful thinking, negative thoughts, or impulsive behaviors, to name a few.
It may seem as though you’re currently experiencing a situation that may seem unacceptable. Remember to be kind to yourself and understand denial is completely normal.
However, by building coping statements and radical acceptance techniques into your daily routines, it will get easier as each day passes.
Be aware of how your brain is fighting against reality throughout the day. As intrusive thoughts pop up, redirect them by reminding yourself there is no going back to the way things were. Your power lies in the present moment, not in the past. Embrace your feelings, as emotions are a fundamental part of the human experience. Don’t allow them to stay though, let them pass through you. No matter how many times a day you repeat them, never stop using coping statements to keep yourself on track.
We cannot live a life pain-free, however, we can choose how we are going to respond to it. With patience and dedication, freedom from your past is possible.
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